5 Thoughts for a Better Night Out

Picture this. It's Sinatra Saturday, again (which I so irresponsibly forgot to post last week) and you are putting the finishing touches on your evening's attire; completing the fresh tuck, brushing off your wingtips, and ensuring that your breath doesn't smell like hot dog water and old people (clearly this describes men, as I have no idea what women do to get ready, though I'm certain it involves Crisco, a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice, and the board game Candyland). Before you know it, six hours have gone by, you're broke, unkempt, nursing a terrible buzz, and you didn't even have fun. What the hell happened? I don't know. I wasn't there. But, whatever it was, I have some thoughts (not tips; I'm not a bathroom attendant at a country club) on how things could've gone better.

1. Dress Better
While the above hypothetical obviously emphasizes a well-dressed man, most of us simply dress like morons. If you've ever worn camouflage shorts or a bedazzled dragon t-shirt anywhere but a Massengill convention, you fall into that category. I get it. It's not 1963 and we're not on the set of Mad Men. But have you thought about why so many women watch Mad Men? I'll give you a hint. It's not because of the uplifting story line and overwhelming air of optimism. It's because the dudes look sharp. Be sharp.

                                              Wingtips: great with camo shorts


2. Ditch the Silver Bullet
I know what it feels like to relax poolside with an ice cold Corona or watch the Stanley Cup while nursing a Coors. It feels good. But, this isn't your living room and you're not wearing a Hula shirt (see above). If you want to drink cheap beer, stay at home. A fine watering hole is the perfect opportunity to try something new, delicious, and yes, expensive. It's expensive for a reason. Try out a new beer that your local Circle K doesn't have. Enjoy an expertly crafted Old Fashioned. Whatever it is, don't order beer in a can when the situation calls for something much more grandiose, unless you're there to get drunk. That brings us to...

                                                       Top Shelf

3. Stop Getting Trashed
Drinking is like affection from a new girlfriend; a little bit is a fine icing on a ice cream cake, but a lot can make you nakedly chase your neighbor's shih tzu because he reminds you of Pearl Harbor and that was just "a G*d damn low blow". No one likes sitting next to the guy who is burping up beer every time he laughs. No one likes guarding the girl who was lapping up Jager shots for two hours because she's hitting on every guy who may someday inspire an episode of Criminal Minds. Know your limits and stay within them. You'll never have to wonder how you lost your new phone, wallet, and roommate's jacket, not that that's ever happened to anyone I know. Also, shih tzus are Chinese. Keep this in mind.

4. Don't Try to Sleep with Everyone
Other than the practical benefits of not feeling the burn every time you pee and the extra coin in the pocket that would've gone to child support, nights out are just more fun when you're not worried about whether or not someone's coming home with you. The crushing social pressure of not trying to screw anything up can cripple even the smoothest of tongues. Just talk to a girl. Listen to what she has to say. If it's about a great book she's reading or her favorite coffee shop in that city you're heading to next week, then congrats, you just found a girl that you may want to pursue outside of any scenario where David Guetta is playing in the background. If she's talking about how she works out for 2 hours a day and then lays by the pool...move on.  Actually getting to know someone is way more fun than hooking up with a stranger and regretting it. But seriously, 2 hours a day?

5. Be a Good Person
Buy the first round, shake the bartender's hand, and tip your waiter. Your night was memorable because these people made it that way, not because of your stellar "that's what she said" joke. Show them your appreciation and they may make your next night out even more memorable.

                                "Excuse me, you dropped your Susan B. Anthony coin...
                                 Oh, how thoughtful of you."


AOW: Add 1 cup of vegetables to every meal that you eat this week. This is not a tall order. 1 cup is pretty small and no one is asking for a gourmet dish here. A few bags of frozen broccoli should do the trick or a big bag of spinach. Whatever. Don't get caught up in the details of what vegetable or how it's prepared. Just cook (or don't) and eat. Enjoy the benefits of proper bowel movements, better mood, hair, skin, eyes, and life. Seriously, the difference is unbelievable. This is something you should try to do forever or at least take the sentiment with you (ie., eat more vegetables). Health is not the false dichotomy of either being a Big Mac huffing mouth breather or a dirt-worshiping vegan. You don't have to give up normal food just because you're eating vegetables. And potatoes don't count.

Stay filthy.