Death to the Polo Shirt

I recently read an article with the expressed interest in helping college students (males) dress like grown men. It was a pretty good article with a lot of good advice for those looking to update their wardrobe (and consequently their lives). Most men ages 18-25 can stand to benefit from ditching their cargo shorts and “Vagina Whisperer” t-shirts and sporting some well-fitting trousers and leather kicks. There was, however, one piece of advice that is just flat out wrong. “Trade in your t-shirts for polo shirts.”

When I think of the uniform for the Delta Bravo (that’s Douche Bag, for those of you who tweet) I think of the polo shirt. Yes, few sartorial items scream “hey bro, most of the time I suck” like the t-shirt with a collar sewn on the neck. That’s what a polo shirt is, a t-shirt with a collar sewn on the neck. It’s not dressy, it’s not classy, and it’s not casual. It’s dumb.
People generally wear polo shirts for three reasons. Firstly, they want to look more like Kanye West. Secondly, they are headed somewhere too dressy for a t-shirt. Finally, they are headed somewhere not dressy enough for a button down. But, we can easily get around all of these issues without having to embarrass ourselves by sewing a guy on a horse on our shirts.

Now, we can all benefit from being less like Kanye West. Entire volumes of literature have explored this idea including the Constitution, the Boy Scout’s Handbook, and Twilight. Don’t you remember that chapter where the bad vampire was like “I’m the voice of this generation and Edward Cullen doesn’t care about black werewolves?” Truly it is no crime against humanity to refrain from wearing clothes the color of your pastel kindergarten drawings.

If you’re attending a function (Cary Grant speak for “bar”) that is too classy a place for a t-shirt, you should first realize that any business that sells drinks called “the Blowjob”, “Cleveland Steamer”, and “Adios MFer” is definitely NOT too classy for a t-shirt. But, YOU should be. Putting a collar on top of a t-shirt does not accomplish this, just as putting cufflinks on a hoodie doesn’t create a comfy tuxedo alternative, and rims on a Geo is not riding in style. If you’re somewhere too nice for a t-shirt, wear a button down. Those are the shirts with the buttons on the front. If it’s hot, roll up the sleeves or wear a short sleeve one. Problem solved. But what if it’s too casual for a button down? Well sit tight, sugar britches, and I’ll tell you.

If you’re off to a get together (Cary Grant speak for “barbeque”) or any other place where a button down is too formal then just wear a nice t-shirt. No, this is not a t-shirt with tuxedo print on the front nor does it mean ironing your Hooters t-shirt that doesn’t have the pit stains. You know those t-shirts that have buttons up the neck? Those are called henleys. The ones that look like V-necks with buttons? Those are Y-necks. Wearing a nice Henley or Y-neck or even a V-neck if it’s not deep enough to see your nipples and belly button (which shouldn’t be pierced) is a great choice. Make sure they are one solid color as stripes tend to conjure images of the Cat in the Hat who, by the way, never got laid. Any of these choices are better than polo shirts.

Now you can leave the house without looking like you got beat up and dressed by yuppies. I’m glad Kanye didn’t interrupt this post to tell you how great Beyonce’s blog post was.

Don't Call it a Comeback

Okay, fine. You can call it that. I've decided to start up this blog again because it's a really easy way to get me writing. What a waste of a four year degree it would be if I didn't write. Also, I've had more than one person tell that I should have a blog. Why disappoint the public? Seriously, though. Why?
So, this blog will not be about life updates or about how someone hurt my feelings and now I'm crying all over my keyboard or about how much I love my cat. It's really just going to be about things I think are rad. It may read like an advice column, but let's be clear, I don't give advice. Do whatever you want. This is just the way I think.
Without further ado, put the soap back under the sink. Let's go get our hands dirty, again.