I recently read a so-called "Manly Christmas List" that was so absurdly ovarian it may as well have included a pregnancy test and a wine spritzer. In an effort to support any testicular superiority during the holiday season I have put together a real Christmas list for men.
First, let's keep a few things in mind when thinking about buying men's gifts. Men don't need clothes. We can dress ourselves and when clothes are bought for us they usually don't fit or they're not what we want, unless we say, "hey, buy this shirt for me in this size," in which case it's not really a gift, it's a command. Chances are most guys have a closet full of reindeer sweaters and over-sized Dockers that they have collected over years of people getting them the wrong stuff.
Secondly, despite what a lot of magazines and commercials say, men do not need tools. Real men can get by with very few tools, so don't waste time looking for unnecessary and overpriced tools that are "state of the art" just because they take D batteries.
Onto the list:
1. Recycled Car Part Cuff Links
These are exactly what they are named. This company takes parts from classic cars and crafts them into cuff links, which are approximately 1 of 2 acceptable jewelry options for men. Every guy needs a few good pairs of cuff links, so why not get a pair that can take you from 0 to 60 in a record time?
2. Moonshine Cologne
There are few things worse than a grown man smelling like the back of a Hummer limo on prom night. As clever as Axe Body Spray commercials are, that stuff is gross. Still, having a free testosterone level of 5.6 is no reason to smell...musty. One spray of this handcrafted concoction and you'll be smelling as you should, supporting small business, and boycotting France's biggest export: androgyny.
3. Grass Fed Beef
A man's gotta eat and hopefully, most of the time, it'll be something dead, steaming, and staring back at you. Sure, he can eat chicken, but let's be honest. Chicken is about as interesting as Chelsea Handler's talk show. Eat beef, but not that crappy beef from sickly cows fed "grain" and hormones. Beef from cows on a natural grass diet has a fatty-acid profile that would make a salmon blush. More importantly, it tastes really good.
4. Go Ruck Baggage
I've been there. I've traveled with my luggage in a garbage bag. I've rolled a suitcase through an airport. I've carried important papers in a beat up, sorry sack labeled "JanSport". But no more. The days of toting like a deadbeat are over. Go Ruck offers a variety of very durable and gnarly looking carryware. All of their decidedly non-yuppy bags will transport whatever you need to wherever you need to go, whether it's the office or Afghanistan (because you're really bad at picking vacation spots).
5. Trek Light Hammock
Men sleep anywhere. We'll sleep in bed, on a couch, in class, in church, even when meeting your parents for the first time. While a super-Swedish memory foam mattress made by Ex-Soviet virgin scientists sounds enticing, I guarantee you it was fortified with extra estrogen. What's more comfortable? Nothing, and by that I mean the absence of anything. Empty space. That's what you'll be relaxing on when you hop on one of these mamajamas. No more box springs and headboards; just gravity and the breeze, especially if you sleep naked.
6. Glock 22 Hand Gun
If you're thinking, "OMG, why is a gun on this list?" then congratulations, you're a woman. Men love guns. They protect us from tyranny (what's our national anthem about?). They protect us from criminals (how long is the average police response time?). Most importantly, they go boom (BOOM). The top of the line in home defense, the Glock 22 is their .40 caliber model. It features more stopping power than the 9mm, less "tear through center mass and hit an innocent baby" power than a .45, and still has the easy maintenance and reliability for which Glock is known.
Disclaimer for people who are dumb: Don't just buy a gun and think that your responsibility ends there. Learn everything you can about it, take a gun safety class, make sure it's registered, keep it under lock and key, go to the range and practice, practice, practice. Guns are only as dangerous as their owner is ignorant. Don't be ignorant.
Hopefully, this year dude's will get better gifts than European man bags and gift cards to Wal-Mart. But, they do have great prices on ammo.
Song of the week: "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by She & Him
Poem of the week: "i have found what you are like" by E.E. Cummings
Assignment of the week: Finish all of your Christmas shopping before the end of this weekend. This will ensure that you are fully prepared for Christmas and won't be feverishly pacing the aisles on Christmas Eve, choosing between the leftovers: Winger's Greatest Hits or a Corpus Christi, TX snow globe.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Absence of Adventure
Take a look around you (no, I'm not behind you). What do you see? A vast world full of ripe opportunities waiting for you to pick them? Or a grey, drab existence safety-harnessed by modern living and the "golden age" of technology?
Living in a technological age certainly has its benefits. Memory foam mattresses, video-chatting from around the world, and thousands of songs that we don't really like available at the touch of a button are all great things. But, the more gadgets we have and the more outlets we need, the deeper we bury the critical desire that has made humanity great: our sense of adventure.
Our ancestors were explorers who paddled their way through the storms of the Pacific, rolled on through the hardships and menace of the Great Plains, and climbed step by treacherous step to the summit of Mt. Everest. They stormed the beachheads of Europe, wore holes in the floors of dance halls, and made love in the backseats of muscle cars (it's probably where you were conceived). Nowadays, a man's idea of adventure is playing Gears of War with the volume up and the lights out. I can't speak for you, but this certainly leaves me with one lingering question. What the hell happened?
For some odd reason we seem to have adopted the mindset that the world has been conquered. The highest peaks have been climbed, the deepest depths have been charted, and John Mayer has slept with EVERYONE. So, now we all seem to think "if I can't be the first, I might as well not even try."
The good news is this train of thought is reserved for pinheads, Sociology majors, and people who wear jerseys. You needn't be any of those. So what if Kilamanjaro has been traversed? Have you climbed it? Have you been to space? Have you slept with everyone? Please don't. That's gross. (Ciao, herp-a-lerp.) We seem to have put aside our childhood dreams of excitement and grandeur for a life of mere existence.
Adventure is not a grandiose concept that requires consistent one-upping and breaking new ground for the human race. It is simply the desire for the individual to do what she has never done; to break through the modern fad of boredom.
I break the boredom by approaching everything in life with an attitude of adventure. I find hidden rooms and antique treasures in the buildings at work, look for fun and time-consuming projects at home, view every meal I eat as a culinary excursion, and embrace the freedom that the weekends give me. I seek out less-frequented, but equally impressive locales in my city, and try to learn something new every day.
So, go for a hike, tour your city's historic core, take advantage of a weekend deal from JetBlue. Do something. Or would you rather grow up to tell your grand-kids about how many episodes of Gossip Girl you've seen or how many hits your cat video got on YouTube? That Leighton Meester, though. Yeh.
Also,
Song of the Week - Theme from a Summer Place by Percy Faith. I know it's called "summer place" but it feels very autumny to me.
Poem of the Week- It's Possible I'm Moving... by Rainer Marie Rilke
Assignment of the Week - Spend a total of two hours this week studying the history of your city. Then, on your weekend, visit at least three of the places you read about. Knowing nothing about the place where you live doesn't make you busy or sheltered. It makes you ignorant.
Have fun. Read the Bible. Stay dirty.
Living in a technological age certainly has its benefits. Memory foam mattresses, video-chatting from around the world, and thousands of songs that we don't really like available at the touch of a button are all great things. But, the more gadgets we have and the more outlets we need, the deeper we bury the critical desire that has made humanity great: our sense of adventure.
Our ancestors were explorers who paddled their way through the storms of the Pacific, rolled on through the hardships and menace of the Great Plains, and climbed step by treacherous step to the summit of Mt. Everest. They stormed the beachheads of Europe, wore holes in the floors of dance halls, and made love in the backseats of muscle cars (it's probably where you were conceived). Nowadays, a man's idea of adventure is playing Gears of War with the volume up and the lights out. I can't speak for you, but this certainly leaves me with one lingering question. What the hell happened?
For some odd reason we seem to have adopted the mindset that the world has been conquered. The highest peaks have been climbed, the deepest depths have been charted, and John Mayer has slept with EVERYONE. So, now we all seem to think "if I can't be the first, I might as well not even try."
The good news is this train of thought is reserved for pinheads, Sociology majors, and people who wear jerseys. You needn't be any of those. So what if Kilamanjaro has been traversed? Have you climbed it? Have you been to space? Have you slept with everyone? Please don't. That's gross. (Ciao, herp-a-lerp.) We seem to have put aside our childhood dreams of excitement and grandeur for a life of mere existence.
Adventure is not a grandiose concept that requires consistent one-upping and breaking new ground for the human race. It is simply the desire for the individual to do what she has never done; to break through the modern fad of boredom.
I break the boredom by approaching everything in life with an attitude of adventure. I find hidden rooms and antique treasures in the buildings at work, look for fun and time-consuming projects at home, view every meal I eat as a culinary excursion, and embrace the freedom that the weekends give me. I seek out less-frequented, but equally impressive locales in my city, and try to learn something new every day.
So, go for a hike, tour your city's historic core, take advantage of a weekend deal from JetBlue. Do something. Or would you rather grow up to tell your grand-kids about how many episodes of Gossip Girl you've seen or how many hits your cat video got on YouTube? That Leighton Meester, though. Yeh.
Also,
Song of the Week - Theme from a Summer Place by Percy Faith. I know it's called "summer place" but it feels very autumny to me.
Poem of the Week- It's Possible I'm Moving... by Rainer Marie Rilke
Assignment of the Week - Spend a total of two hours this week studying the history of your city. Then, on your weekend, visit at least three of the places you read about. Knowing nothing about the place where you live doesn't make you busy or sheltered. It makes you ignorant.
Have fun. Read the Bible. Stay dirty.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sharpen Your Axe, Bro
My friend Christian told me a story and it goes like this...
A rookie lumberjack was eager to impress his bearded buds. Being unable to put down absurd amounts of pancakes or paint oxen blue, he decided to showcase his prowess by toppling trees. The first day he cut down 40 trees while the others only cut 10. Big Business was stoked. Excited by his success he resolved to do even better the next day, so he tried even harder and took NO Xplode. But, to his chagrin he only cut down 30 trees and got diarrhea. "I shall try harder tomorrow," he creepily exclaimed to himself but only brought down 20. He continued this pattern until he could only take down 5 trees a day. He finally humbled himself and asked Hugh Jackman, "Playa, I try my hardest everyday and I'm only getting worse. What am I doing wrong?" Hugh Jackman stopped playing with boxing robots and responded, "have you taken time to sharpen your axe?"
Get it? All the hard work was making his axe dull. Instead of taking time to sharpen his axe, he just made it worse by hammering away.
This is more than just good advice for those trying to start a really big campfire. In case you're dumb, it's a metaphor. Everyday, we work hard at our jobs (or watching The View), we exercise, we spend time in our morning commute, and so on and so forth. The bottom line is we often take on more stress than we can handle and we rarely do anything to unload it.
Now, notice the young lumberjack didn't simply let his axe rest or just not use it for a day. He had to sharpen it to improve. Similarly, we can't just sleep in or take a night off if we want to "de-stress". We must take active steps towards recovery, otherwise we are just putting off stress for a day or so.
How can we do that? There are a lot of ways. The first way is meditation. It sounds pretty hippy dippy, but even just sitting for five minutes a day, focusing solely on your breathing is enough to clear your mind and lower cortisol levels (basically, the stress hormone). You can even chant Hare Hare Krishna or worship Vishnu, but that will take longer. Other paths to not sucking include stretching and mobility work (you'll be amazed by how great you feel when your body doesn't hurt all the time), proper nutrition (blood sugar has little to do with trampolines), a relaxing bath (you probably smell), and reading fiction (stories are great, so is being smart).
So, quit pounding the oaks (innuendo) and stretch in the bath tub. Duh.
Also,
Song of the Week- Black Tongue by Mastodon (it won't always be metal)
Poem of the Week- The Man I was Supposed to Be by John Struloeff (second one down)
Assignment of the week- Every week, I will have a new assignment. Completing the assignment takes you one step closer to the doorstep of Rugged. When you get there, leave your filthy sneaks outside. While simply doing these assignments a few times a week won't make much of a permanent difference, the goal is to turn you onto some rad things in the hopes that some turn into habits, and that's where great things happen. This week's has to do with movement and mobility. We spend so much time sitting, whether it's at work, in the car, at school or at home, we probably sit more than we stand; a bad thing if you know anything about anatomy, biology, or Jedi dodge ball. All this sitting wrecks your hip flexors, making them tighter than an Affliction t-shirt. In the next 7 days, do this stretching routine 3 times. Have fun with your new found range of motion and your ability to flex your butt like a low budget hip hop video.
Have fun. Read the Bible. Stay dirty.
A rookie lumberjack was eager to impress his bearded buds. Being unable to put down absurd amounts of pancakes or paint oxen blue, he decided to showcase his prowess by toppling trees. The first day he cut down 40 trees while the others only cut 10. Big Business was stoked. Excited by his success he resolved to do even better the next day, so he tried even harder and took NO Xplode. But, to his chagrin he only cut down 30 trees and got diarrhea. "I shall try harder tomorrow," he creepily exclaimed to himself but only brought down 20. He continued this pattern until he could only take down 5 trees a day. He finally humbled himself and asked Hugh Jackman, "Playa, I try my hardest everyday and I'm only getting worse. What am I doing wrong?" Hugh Jackman stopped playing with boxing robots and responded, "have you taken time to sharpen your axe?"
Get it? All the hard work was making his axe dull. Instead of taking time to sharpen his axe, he just made it worse by hammering away.
This is more than just good advice for those trying to start a really big campfire. In case you're dumb, it's a metaphor. Everyday, we work hard at our jobs (or watching The View), we exercise, we spend time in our morning commute, and so on and so forth. The bottom line is we often take on more stress than we can handle and we rarely do anything to unload it.
Now, notice the young lumberjack didn't simply let his axe rest or just not use it for a day. He had to sharpen it to improve. Similarly, we can't just sleep in or take a night off if we want to "de-stress". We must take active steps towards recovery, otherwise we are just putting off stress for a day or so.
How can we do that? There are a lot of ways. The first way is meditation. It sounds pretty hippy dippy, but even just sitting for five minutes a day, focusing solely on your breathing is enough to clear your mind and lower cortisol levels (basically, the stress hormone). You can even chant Hare Hare Krishna or worship Vishnu, but that will take longer. Other paths to not sucking include stretching and mobility work (you'll be amazed by how great you feel when your body doesn't hurt all the time), proper nutrition (blood sugar has little to do with trampolines), a relaxing bath (you probably smell), and reading fiction (stories are great, so is being smart).
So, quit pounding the oaks (innuendo) and stretch in the bath tub. Duh.
Also,
Song of the Week- Black Tongue by Mastodon (it won't always be metal)
Poem of the Week- The Man I was Supposed to Be by John Struloeff (second one down)
Assignment of the week- Every week, I will have a new assignment. Completing the assignment takes you one step closer to the doorstep of Rugged. When you get there, leave your filthy sneaks outside. While simply doing these assignments a few times a week won't make much of a permanent difference, the goal is to turn you onto some rad things in the hopes that some turn into habits, and that's where great things happen. This week's has to do with movement and mobility. We spend so much time sitting, whether it's at work, in the car, at school or at home, we probably sit more than we stand; a bad thing if you know anything about anatomy, biology, or Jedi dodge ball. All this sitting wrecks your hip flexors, making them tighter than an Affliction t-shirt. In the next 7 days, do this stretching routine 3 times. Have fun with your new found range of motion and your ability to flex your butt like a low budget hip hop video.
Have fun. Read the Bible. Stay dirty.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Death to the Polo Shirt
I recently read an article with the expressed interest in helping college students (males) dress like grown men. It was a pretty good article with a lot of good advice for those looking to update their wardrobe (and consequently their lives). Most men ages 18-25 can stand to benefit from ditching their cargo shorts and “Vagina Whisperer” t-shirts and sporting some well-fitting trousers and leather kicks. There was, however, one piece of advice that is just flat out wrong. “Trade in your t-shirts for polo shirts.”
When I think of the uniform for the Delta Bravo (that’s Douche Bag, for those of you who tweet) I think of the polo shirt. Yes, few sartorial items scream “hey bro, most of the time I suck” like the t-shirt with a collar sewn on the neck. That’s what a polo shirt is, a t-shirt with a collar sewn on the neck. It’s not dressy, it’s not classy, and it’s not casual. It’s dumb.
People generally wear polo shirts for three reasons. Firstly, they want to look more like Kanye West. Secondly, they are headed somewhere too dressy for a t-shirt. Finally, they are headed somewhere not dressy enough for a button down. But, we can easily get around all of these issues without having to embarrass ourselves by sewing a guy on a horse on our shirts.
Now, we can all benefit from being less like Kanye West. Entire volumes of literature have explored this idea including the Constitution, the Boy Scout’s Handbook, and Twilight. Don’t you remember that chapter where the bad vampire was like “I’m the voice of this generation and Edward Cullen doesn’t care about black werewolves?” Truly it is no crime against humanity to refrain from wearing clothes the color of your pastel kindergarten drawings.
If you’re attending a function (Cary Grant speak for “bar”) that is too classy a place for a t-shirt, you should first realize that any business that sells drinks called “the Blowjob”, “Cleveland Steamer”, and “Adios MFer” is definitely NOT too classy for a t-shirt. But, YOU should be. Putting a collar on top of a t-shirt does not accomplish this, just as putting cufflinks on a hoodie doesn’t create a comfy tuxedo alternative, and rims on a Geo is not riding in style. If you’re somewhere too nice for a t-shirt, wear a button down. Those are the shirts with the buttons on the front. If it’s hot, roll up the sleeves or wear a short sleeve one. Problem solved. But what if it’s too casual for a button down? Well sit tight, sugar britches, and I’ll tell you.
If you’re off to a get together (Cary Grant speak for “barbeque”) or any other place where a button down is too formal then just wear a nice t-shirt. No, this is not a t-shirt with tuxedo print on the front nor does it mean ironing your Hooters t-shirt that doesn’t have the pit stains. You know those t-shirts that have buttons up the neck? Those are called henleys. The ones that look like V-necks with buttons? Those are Y-necks. Wearing a nice Henley or Y-neck or even a V-neck if it’s not deep enough to see your nipples and belly button (which shouldn’t be pierced) is a great choice. Make sure they are one solid color as stripes tend to conjure images of the Cat in the Hat who, by the way, never got laid. Any of these choices are better than polo shirts.
Now you can leave the house without looking like you got beat up and dressed by yuppies. I’m glad Kanye didn’t interrupt this post to tell you how great Beyonce’s blog post was.
When I think of the uniform for the Delta Bravo (that’s Douche Bag, for those of you who tweet) I think of the polo shirt. Yes, few sartorial items scream “hey bro, most of the time I suck” like the t-shirt with a collar sewn on the neck. That’s what a polo shirt is, a t-shirt with a collar sewn on the neck. It’s not dressy, it’s not classy, and it’s not casual. It’s dumb.
People generally wear polo shirts for three reasons. Firstly, they want to look more like Kanye West. Secondly, they are headed somewhere too dressy for a t-shirt. Finally, they are headed somewhere not dressy enough for a button down. But, we can easily get around all of these issues without having to embarrass ourselves by sewing a guy on a horse on our shirts.
Now, we can all benefit from being less like Kanye West. Entire volumes of literature have explored this idea including the Constitution, the Boy Scout’s Handbook, and Twilight. Don’t you remember that chapter where the bad vampire was like “I’m the voice of this generation and Edward Cullen doesn’t care about black werewolves?” Truly it is no crime against humanity to refrain from wearing clothes the color of your pastel kindergarten drawings.
If you’re attending a function (Cary Grant speak for “bar”) that is too classy a place for a t-shirt, you should first realize that any business that sells drinks called “the Blowjob”, “Cleveland Steamer”, and “Adios MFer” is definitely NOT too classy for a t-shirt. But, YOU should be. Putting a collar on top of a t-shirt does not accomplish this, just as putting cufflinks on a hoodie doesn’t create a comfy tuxedo alternative, and rims on a Geo is not riding in style. If you’re somewhere too nice for a t-shirt, wear a button down. Those are the shirts with the buttons on the front. If it’s hot, roll up the sleeves or wear a short sleeve one. Problem solved. But what if it’s too casual for a button down? Well sit tight, sugar britches, and I’ll tell you.
If you’re off to a get together (Cary Grant speak for “barbeque”) or any other place where a button down is too formal then just wear a nice t-shirt. No, this is not a t-shirt with tuxedo print on the front nor does it mean ironing your Hooters t-shirt that doesn’t have the pit stains. You know those t-shirts that have buttons up the neck? Those are called henleys. The ones that look like V-necks with buttons? Those are Y-necks. Wearing a nice Henley or Y-neck or even a V-neck if it’s not deep enough to see your nipples and belly button (which shouldn’t be pierced) is a great choice. Make sure they are one solid color as stripes tend to conjure images of the Cat in the Hat who, by the way, never got laid. Any of these choices are better than polo shirts.
Now you can leave the house without looking like you got beat up and dressed by yuppies. I’m glad Kanye didn’t interrupt this post to tell you how great Beyonce’s blog post was.
Don't Call it a Comeback
Okay, fine. You can call it that. I've decided to start up this blog again because it's a really easy way to get me writing. What a waste of a four year degree it would be if I didn't write. Also, I've had more than one person tell that I should have a blog. Why disappoint the public? Seriously, though. Why?
So, this blog will not be about life updates or about how someone hurt my feelings and now I'm crying all over my keyboard or about how much I love my cat. It's really just going to be about things I think are rad. It may read like an advice column, but let's be clear, I don't give advice. Do whatever you want. This is just the way I think.
Without further ado, put the soap back under the sink. Let's go get our hands dirty, again.
So, this blog will not be about life updates or about how someone hurt my feelings and now I'm crying all over my keyboard or about how much I love my cat. It's really just going to be about things I think are rad. It may read like an advice column, but let's be clear, I don't give advice. Do whatever you want. This is just the way I think.
Without further ado, put the soap back under the sink. Let's go get our hands dirty, again.
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