I recently read a so-called "Manly Christmas List" that was so absurdly ovarian it may as well have included a pregnancy test and a wine spritzer. In an effort to support any testicular superiority during the holiday season I have put together a real Christmas list for men.
First, let's keep a few things in mind when thinking about buying men's gifts. Men don't need clothes. We can dress ourselves and when clothes are bought for us they usually don't fit or they're not what we want, unless we say, "hey, buy this shirt for me in this size," in which case it's not really a gift, it's a command. Chances are most guys have a closet full of reindeer sweaters and over-sized Dockers that they have collected over years of people getting them the wrong stuff.
Secondly, despite what a lot of magazines and commercials say, men do not need tools. Real men can get by with very few tools, so don't waste time looking for unnecessary and overpriced tools that are "state of the art" just because they take D batteries.
Onto the list:
1. Recycled Car Part Cuff Links
These are exactly what they are named. This company takes parts from classic cars and crafts them into cuff links, which are approximately 1 of 2 acceptable jewelry options for men. Every guy needs a few good pairs of cuff links, so why not get a pair that can take you from 0 to 60 in a record time?
2. Moonshine Cologne
There are few things worse than a grown man smelling like the back of a Hummer limo on prom night. As clever as Axe Body Spray commercials are, that stuff is gross. Still, having a free testosterone level of 5.6 is no reason to smell...musty. One spray of this handcrafted concoction and you'll be smelling as you should, supporting small business, and boycotting France's biggest export: androgyny.
3. Grass Fed Beef
A man's gotta eat and hopefully, most of the time, it'll be something dead, steaming, and staring back at you. Sure, he can eat chicken, but let's be honest. Chicken is about as interesting as Chelsea Handler's talk show. Eat beef, but not that crappy beef from sickly cows fed "grain" and hormones. Beef from cows on a natural grass diet has a fatty-acid profile that would make a salmon blush. More importantly, it tastes really good.
4. Go Ruck Baggage
I've been there. I've traveled with my luggage in a garbage bag. I've rolled a suitcase through an airport. I've carried important papers in a beat up, sorry sack labeled "JanSport". But no more. The days of toting like a deadbeat are over. Go Ruck offers a variety of very durable and gnarly looking carryware. All of their decidedly non-yuppy bags will transport whatever you need to wherever you need to go, whether it's the office or Afghanistan (because you're really bad at picking vacation spots).
5. Trek Light Hammock
Men sleep anywhere. We'll sleep in bed, on a couch, in class, in church, even when meeting your parents for the first time. While a super-Swedish memory foam mattress made by Ex-Soviet virgin scientists sounds enticing, I guarantee you it was fortified with extra estrogen. What's more comfortable? Nothing, and by that I mean the absence of anything. Empty space. That's what you'll be relaxing on when you hop on one of these mamajamas. No more box springs and headboards; just gravity and the breeze, especially if you sleep naked.
6. Glock 22 Hand Gun
If you're thinking, "OMG, why is a gun on this list?" then congratulations, you're a woman. Men love guns. They protect us from tyranny (what's our national anthem about?). They protect us from criminals (how long is the average police response time?). Most importantly, they go boom (BOOM). The top of the line in home defense, the Glock 22 is their .40 caliber model. It features more stopping power than the 9mm, less "tear through center mass and hit an innocent baby" power than a .45, and still has the easy maintenance and reliability for which Glock is known.
Disclaimer for people who are dumb: Don't just buy a gun and think that your responsibility ends there. Learn everything you can about it, take a gun safety class, make sure it's registered, keep it under lock and key, go to the range and practice, practice, practice. Guns are only as dangerous as their owner is ignorant. Don't be ignorant.
Hopefully, this year dude's will get better gifts than European man bags and gift cards to Wal-Mart. But, they do have great prices on ammo.
Song of the week: "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by She & Him
Poem of the week: "i have found what you are like" by E.E. Cummings
Assignment of the week: Finish all of your Christmas shopping before the end of this weekend. This will ensure that you are fully prepared for Christmas and won't be feverishly pacing the aisles on Christmas Eve, choosing between the leftovers: Winger's Greatest Hits or a Corpus Christi, TX snow globe.
